Breaking Down Walls

I recently spoke at an Al anon workshop and the topic was breaking down walls. I think it is a very important topic, especially for those of us who are in recovery. It is important to be able to distinguish between healthy boundaries and emotional walls.

The concept of healthy boundaries is something most recovering people are not familiar with. Being able to maintain a boundary and not feel coerced into doing things we are uncomfortable doing is usually very difficult. On the other hand, we are all too familiar with the concept of emotional walls which can keep us lonely and isolated. Emotional walls serve the purpose of protecting us from hurt. The problem is we keep them up long after they are useful to us. Most of us build them thick and high; and it takes courage and self love to start to dismantle them.

Recovery provides the opportunity to become aware of the walls it took a lifetime to construct. Initially many of us believe protecting ourselves with emotional walls was the only way to feel safe. We are lonely and too afraid to trust anyone and we certainly don’t trust ourselves or our ability to keep ourselves safe.

Some of the most common bricks in our wall are anger, dishonesty, perfection, superiority and control.

The brick called “anger” is massive, as is the way in which we express it. Angry people are hard to approach and keep others at a safe distance. In addition, an angry reaction toward someone can be the end of a relationship. If we don’t realize that we are angry it is hard to understand why people stay a safe distance away. The twelve step programs teach us that anger is often an expression of fear. What are we afraid of? Often we are afraid that others will see us the way we see ourselves: as our distorted perception lending itself to diminished value and fraudulence.

Another brick is “people pleasing” or saying yes to something when we want to say no. If we agree to do something that we don’t think is in our own best interest we are being dishonest. I call it depositing in the bank of expectation: we are hoping to get something in return for our selfless act. When it doesn’t happen, we can become angry and disappointed. Sometimes when we agree to something we don’t want to do we will react in a passive manner and find a way not to do it, either completely or in part. This behavior makes us look unreliable and not trustworthy. The result is we are not asked again and we elicit anger from the people we disappointed. Alternatively, if we agree to do something we don’t want to do in order to be liked or to prevent anger from another, it can cause us to become angry and resentful toward them. The “people pleasing” brick results in us no longer liking the very people that we wanted to like us and therefore were afraid to say no to.

The bricks called perfection, superiority and control all compliment each other. Most people strive to be perfect due to fear of making a mistake.

“Superiority” creates a two way wall. When we project an attitude of superiority people are either afraid to approach us or they resent us. We make them feel bad about themselves. If we are superior we have a difficult time finding people we have things in common with, no peer group, and engender isolation. Many of us project an attitude of superiority and confidence when in reality we are afraid we aren’t good enough. We are afraid no one will like us or that we are unlovable. This, in turn, can reinforce the wall of “anger.”

Perfection makes it almost impossible for anyone to share things with us. We tend to feel that no one can do things the way we want them and we therefore do things ourselves. If we are perfect no one can measure up to our standards.

Control denies others of any participation in our life. Control is a wall that seems to be almost universal in the fellowship. For many of us asking for help is a sign of weakness when in reality it is a sign of strength, honesty and true humility.

Fear is the mortar that binds the bricks of anger, control, superiority and perfection. Healthy boundaries are an expression of self love, worthiness and awareness. Our needs are not more important or less important that other’s needs but certainly equal in importance to others’ needs.

Courage is the tool that tears down the bricks. Tearing down emotional walls requires courage and a change in behavior. I believe most human beings want to feel a sense of belonging and love. For love to exist some of the emotional walls we have erected must be torn down and replaced with healthy boundaries.


I recently heard this poem by Derek Walcott read on public radio and searched for it on the internet. Please read it, again and again.

Love After Love

The time will come when, with elation you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror and each will smile at the other's welcome, and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror. Sit. Feast on your life.

Anxiety and Worry

Worry seems to be an inherent human condition. Most of us worry about things we cannot control and many of us attempt to anticipate all eventualities. Those of us that grow up in alcoholic/addictive families learn to worry well and often from a very early age. We live in a continuously stressful environment where the only certainty is uncertainty. The alcoholic/addictive parent is unpredictable and as young children we spend a great deal of time attempting to avoid and control their uncertain behavior. We are doomed to failure and the result is frustration, shame and guilt. The belief that we have somehow caused the unhappiness of the alcoholic/addict leads us to the conclusion that we do not deserve to be happy. We spend a great deal of time trying to find a solution and create a happy life. We are anxious and worry all the time and as a result we often are irritable and angry. Anxiety and the worry that result from it are punishing and deprive us of happiness. Many of us seek happiness through alcohol, drugs, food, sex, work and other addictive, self defeating behaviors.

The sad news is that there is not enough alcohol, drugs, food, sex and money in the world to relieve the anxiety and worry. Many of us loose control of these behaviors which ultimately serves to increase our frustration, shame and guilt. They handicap and diminish us, obstruct our thinking and distort our reality. The result is our anxiety and worries become exaggerated.

Anxiety and worry can make it difficult or in some instances impossible to function. We can become overwhelmed and often paralyzed with fear over some insignificant or misinterpreted incident. We begin to question our own ability and judgment which can lead to an inability to act in our own behalf or to self- sabotage. We become vulnerable to manipulation. A good example is the current financial situation that permeates the news recently. We are being bombarded with doom and gloom. It is entirely possible that many of us will experience some financial problems. If we allow our anxiety to cause us to react we may not make the right decision for our self. This is a time to follow my basic rules: keep your head where your feet are; for today you probably have what you need. Do what is right for you; don’t make decisions while you are anxious, make sure you think before you act. Finally stay away from people that don’t make you feel good about yourself. People are afraid and fear can be contagious, try to avoid conversations that are full of someone else’s anxiety. Talk to people who are knowledgeable and sensible.

The good news is that we do deserve to be happy and while we may be powerless we are not helpless. We worry because we want to avoid pain by preventing or resisting some undesirable outcome. While it is not possible to avoid life’s realities we can relieve anxiety by taking responsibility for ourselves and being aware of our anxiety triggers. It is important to be aware that many of the things we project happening are usually unrealistic. Life events are mostly random and that it is a waste our precious time to try to control the outcome. Additionally, if we focus on managing our anxiety and worry when there is a crisis will be better able to cope.

When we are feeling anxious it helps to take action. Probably the most important thing to remember is to breathe. When we are anxious we tend to breathe short shallow breaths. Taking a few minutes to do some deep breathing it will help the anxious feeling. Some people use exercise, yoga or meditation to relieve stress and anxiety. It can be helpful to listen to music, read a good book or do some other activity that will distract us from the focus of our anxiety. Twelve step meetings and professional counseling can help us to learn tools and exercises to cope with stress and anxiety.

Remember: Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy. ~Leo Buscaglia

Dealing with Anger

Anger is an emotion that almost any addict or alcoholic knows very well. Many of us seem to have a great deal of anger at real and perceived injustices. Anger can be self-defeating, or it can energize us and push us to take action. It can protect us and keep us from being vulnerable to psychological assault. Anger can often be used to mask our many fears.

For the addict, anger also can cause feelings of guilt, which serves to fuel the anger further. So we are angry because we are afraid and guilty because we are angry thus creating a damaging cycle of emotion.

Guilt also adds another layer of complexity to our anger. Many of us were raised with the idea that it is wrong to feel anger and that anger and love cannot coexist. If I am angry at someone, I have to reject them and despise them. In sobriety we may feel guilty if we are angry at loved ones that we may have hurt or disappointed. We don’t have the ability to express angry feelings appropriately, and our relationships suffer because of this.

So what are we angry about? Many of us get triggered when we have no control over people and events in our lives. We can’t make others love us, like us or accept us. Mostly we can’t make others meet our needs. Another source of anger is our disease. We feel that nature has betrayed us by inflicting on us a chronic illness that we have no control over, one that causes us to hurt ourselves and those we love.

What are we afraid of? One thing we fear is that we don’t deserve to be loved or liked and we don’t deserve to get our needs met. We are afraid of being unlovable, we fear rejection and we fear facing the things we don’t like about ourselves. Sometimes the most benign comment or gesture can incite anger and rage because it touches those fears.

Another aspect of anger the alcoholic/addict may experience occurs when they first achieve abstinence from their substance of choice. When the fog begins to lift, we are faced with the consequences of our behavior. It is painful to have to confront our actions, especially since we didn’t have control over many of the things we’ve done.

Anger can be a positive force if we learn to accept it as a feeling that is neither good nor bad. We need to use our anger as a motivating force for change and not turn it on ourselves. Through the recovery process, working the 12 steps of whatever fellowship program we participate in or learning anger exercises we can harness this powerful emotion and make it work for us. Anger groups or individual therapy can help us learn about anger and realize it is a universal emotion. These activities can lead us to accept our angry self, explore how anger manipulates us and develop strategies to turn the anger into positive pursuits.