A Sober Mind

Uncertainty

2009-10-15T07:13:00.000-07:00

Life is uncertain. This may sound like a simple statement but uncertainty is what is responsible for each individual’s life experience. I believed for the longest time that children needed security and certainty when what they really need is for someone to assure them that they are capable and able to cope with life’s uncertainty and they don’t have to be afraid. Nothing they do will make life more certain and when something happens good or bad it is simply life happening.

Children that grow up in alcoholic/addictive homes learn very early that the only thing for sure in life is nothing is for sure. Unfortunately that lesson is distorted by the belief that they are responsible for the behavior of their parents or caregivers. That if they are good enough, quiet enough, smart enough or successful enough they can control the addictive behavior. They are convinced that they are the cause of the problems and are responsible for fixing them. Many children of alcoholic/addict families grow up believing that they have to find a way to control life and not live with uncertainty. As adults we not only believe we can control everything, control becomes our primary focus. We attempt to control our environment and the people around us and we are constantly frustrated in the attempts. This reinforces our sense of worthlessness and failure. We take life’s uncertainty personally.

If only we knew that simple truth, “life is uncertain” that it cannot be controlled and what we need to do is learn how to cope with the uncertainty. How does one learn to cope with uncertainty? The twelve step programs teach us that it requires courage as well as awareness, acceptance and action. First we need to be aware that uncertainty is a fact of life and certainty is non existent. Nothing we did in the past or will do can cause, control or fix life. Life is worth living and experiencing. We neither deserve all the good things in life or all the bad things in life. We need to learn to embrace the joy and the pain. We just need to live our life in the moment, to the best of our ability.

Next we need to have the courage to show up for ourselves each day. We need to accept that we cannot control outcomes and we are not responsible for outcomes. Most alcoholic addicts are very anxious people we are afraid to live our lives or pursue our dreams because of the uncertainty of the outcome. In order to pursue any goal, love another human being, have a family or simply make a decision we need to be willing to suffer the anxiety that comes with not being able to predict the outcome. Each time we accept that challenge we gain another level of acceptance and ability to endure uncertainty. The twelve step programs provide the support and the steps to learn how to “live life on life’s terms one day or one moment at a time”. I know I have already said this but the action we need to take is “to just live life”.

I will leave you with this quote: “Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.”
John Allen Paulos

2009-07-25T06:52:00.000-07:00

Breaking Down Walls

I recently spoke at an Al anon workshop and the topic was breaking down walls. I think it is a very important topic, especially for those of us who are in recovery. It is important to be able to distinguish between healthy boundaries and emotional walls.

The concept of healthy boundaries is something most recovering people are not familiar with. Being able to maintain a boundary and not feel coerced into doing things we are uncomfortable doing is usually very difficult. On the other hand, we are all too familiar with the concept of emotional walls which can keep us lonely and isolated. Emotional walls serve the purpose of protecting us from hurt. The problem is we keep them up long after they are useful to us. Most of us build them thick and high; and it takes courage and self love to start to dismantle them.

Recovery provides the opportunity to become aware of the walls it took a lifetime to construct. Initially many of us believe protecting ourselves with emotional walls was the only way to feel safe. We are lonely and too afraid to trust anyone and we certainly don’t trust ourselves or our ability to keep ourselves safe.

Some of the most common bricks in our wall are anger, dishonesty, perfection, superiority and control.

The brick called “anger” is massive, as is the way in which we express it. Angry people are hard to approach and keep others at a safe distance. In addition, an angry reaction toward someone can be the end of a relationship. If we don’t realize that we are angry it is hard to understand why people stay a safe distance away. The twelve step programs teach us that anger is often an expression of fear. What are we afraid of? Often we are afraid that others will see us the way we see ourselves: as our distorted perception lending itself to diminished value and fraudulence.

Another brick is “people pleasing” or saying yes to something when we want to say no. If we agree to do something that we don’t think is in our own best interest we are being dishonest. I call it depositing in the bank of expectation: we are hoping to get something in return for our selfless act. When it doesn’t happen, we can become angry and disappointed. Sometimes when we agree to something we don’t want to do we will react in a passive manner and find a way not to do it, either completely or in part. This behavior makes us look unreliable and not trustworthy. The result is we are not asked again and we elicit anger from the people we disappointed. Alternatively, if we agree to do something we don’t want to do in order to be liked or to prevent anger from another, it can cause us to become angry and resentful toward them. The “people pleasing” brick results in us no longer liking the very people that we wanted to like us and therefore were afraid to say no to.

The bricks called perfection, superiority and control all compliment each other. Most people strive to be perfect due to fear of making a mistake.

“Superiority” creates a two way wall. When we project an attitude of superiority people are either afraid to approach us or they resent us. We make them feel bad about themselves. If we are superior we have a difficult time finding people we have things in common with, no peer group, and engender isolation. Many of us project an attitude of superiority and confidence when in reality we are afraid we aren’t good enough. We are afraid no one will like us or that we are unlovable. This, in turn, can reinforce the wall of “anger.”

Perfection makes it almost impossible for anyone to share things with us. We tend to feel that no one can do things the way we want them and we therefore do things ourselves. If we are perfect no one can measure up to our standards.

Control denies others of any participation in our life. Control is a wall that seems to be almost universal in the fellowship. For many of us asking for help is a sign of weakness when in reality it is a sign of strength, honesty and true humility.

Fear is the mortar that binds the bricks of anger, control, superiority and perfection. Healthy boundaries are an expression of self love, worthiness and awareness. Our needs are not more important or less important that other’s needs but certainly equal in importance to others’ needs.

Courage is the tool that tears down the bricks. Tearing down emotional walls requires courage and a change in behavior. I believe most human beings want to feel a sense of belonging and love. For love to exist some of the emotional walls we have erected must be torn down and replaced with healthy boundaries.

I recently heard this poem by Derek Walcott read on public radio and searched for it on the internet. Please read it, again and again.

Love After Love

The time will come when, with elation you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror and each will smile at the other's welcome, and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror. Sit. Feast on your life.

Self Blame

2008-12-31T06:04:00.000-08:00

It is hard to be cheerful or happy when you’re scared to death. This holiday season many of us are feeling stressed and fearful about our futures. In addition we are feeling angry and resentful. We may be in fear of, or have lost our job or lost significant amounts of money in our retirement accounts. In some extreme cases we may be losing our homes.

For the addict/alcoholic we have a tendency to beat up on and blame ourselves for our unfortunate circumstances. We spend a great deal of time beating up on ourselves for perceived mistakes that may lead to losing money, job or home. The other feeling is, I’m defective and I deserve this.

Self blame is a useless exercise and only serves to distract us from sober thinking and paralyze us so we are unable to take any action. It enables us to feel shame and guilt and does not do anything to effect a change in our circumstances. It is not uncommon for the alcoholic/addict to have a tendency to take on more responsibility for a situation than is realistic. Often when we find our self in a difficult or unhappy circumstance we do have some responsibility for it. The alcohol/addict tends to take all the responsibility for the situation. It is important to recognize that the need to be completely responsible is directly related to our need to control. “If it is my fault I can fix it.” The feeling that we somehow deserve life’s negative outcome serves to reinforce our tendency to be a victim.

It is an important component of the recovery process to honestly take responsibility for our actions and make amends wherever possible. It is equally important to be willing to let go of events that are not our responsibility and outside of our control. Navigating this delicate balance is essential to maintaining a sober mind. The shame associated with being a victim deserving of bad things leads to anger, resentment, depression, isolation and loss of the ability to ask for help. The result is loss of mental sobriety and in many cases physical sobriety.

Whatever has been lost in the current economic crisis it is critical to protect both our mental and physical sobriety. It is important to acknowledge what actions created the problem and to not lose the lesson. I have heard it said at meetings that there are no victims only volunteers. It is important to keep our head where our feet are and use the tools of the twelve step program to not fall in to despair; to stay in the day and enjoy our life and our holidays.

As the end of 2008 approaches it is my hope that we all have a better 2009.

Anxiety and Worry

2008-09-29T04:33:00.000-07:00

Worry seems to be an inherent human condition. Most of us worry about things we cannot control and many of us attempt to anticipate all eventualities. Those of us that grow up in alcoholic/addictive families learn to worry well and often from a very early age. We live in a continuously stressful environment where the only certainty is uncertainty. The alcoholic/addictive parent is unpredictable and as young children we spend a great deal of time attempting to avoid and control their uncertain behavior. We are doomed to failure and the result is frustration, shame and guilt. The belief that we have somehow caused the unhappiness of the alcoholic/addict leads us to the conclusion that we do not deserve to be happy. We spend a great deal of time trying to find a solution and create a happy life. We are anxious and worry all the time and as a result we often are irritable and angry. Anxiety and the worry that result from it are punishing and deprive us of happiness. Many of us seek happiness through alcohol, drugs, food, sex, work and other addictive, self defeating behaviors.

The sad news is that there is not enough alcohol, drugs, food, sex and money in the world to relieve the anxiety and worry. Many of us loose control of these behaviors which ultimately serves to increase our frustration, shame and guilt. They handicap and diminish us, obstruct our thinking and distort our reality. The result is our anxiety and worries become exaggerated.

Anxiety and worry can make it difficult or in some instances impossible to function. We can become overwhelmed and often paralyzed with fear over some insignificant or misinterpreted incident. We begin to question our own ability and judgment which can lead to an inability to act in our own behalf or to self- sabotage. We become vulnerable to manipulation. A good example is the current financial situation that permeates the news recently. We are being bombarded with doom and gloom. It is entirely possible that many of us will experience some financial problems. If we allow our anxiety to cause us to react we may not make the right decision for our self. This is a time to follow my basic rules: keep your head where your feet are; for today you probably have what you need. Do what is right for you; don’t make decisions while you are anxious, make sure you think before you act. Finally stay away from people that don’t make you feel good about yourself. People are afraid and fear can be contagious, try to avoid conversations that are full of someone else’s anxiety. Talk to people who are knowledgeable and sensible.

The good news is that we do deserve to be happy and while we may be powerless we are not helpless. We worry because we want to avoid pain by preventing or resisting some undesirable outcome. While it is not possible to avoid life’s realities we can relieve anxiety by taking responsibility for ourselves and being aware of our anxiety triggers. It is important to be aware that many of the things we project happening are usually unrealistic. Life events are mostly random and that it is a waste our precious time to try to control the outcome. Additionally, if we focus on managing our anxiety and worry when there is a crisis will be better able to cope.

When we are feeling anxious it helps to take action. Probably the most important thing to remember is to breathe. When we are anxious we tend to breathe short shallow breaths. Taking a few minutes to do some deep breathing it will help the anxious feeling. Some people use exercise, yoga or meditation to relieve stress and anxiety. It can be helpful to listen to music, read a good book or do some other activity that will distract us from the focus of our anxiety. Twelve step meetings and professional counseling can help us to learn tools and exercises to cope with stress and anxiety.

Remember: Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy. ~Leo Buscaglia

Detachment

2008-06-02T04:57:00.000-07:00

The concept of detachment can be very difficult to grasp, especially for those of us who have grown up in alcoholic/addicted families. Living in an alcoholic/addicted family can be a very painful, frightening and frustrating experience. We are often witness to our loved ones repeated, self destructive behavior. Many of us determine to live a very different life which gives rise to our compulsion to control the people around us. We come to believe in a sense of power and responsibility; power that we have control over the behavior and feelings of others and that it is our responsibility to do so.

Many of us harbor the delusional belief that we are in control of every aspect of our lives and the lives of our loved ones. That it is our responsibility to order the lives of our parents, our partners, our children, our friends and anyone else that is in our world. We are oblivious to our own pain. We are happiest when every thing goes according to our perception of correct, and miserable and angry when it deviates from our plan. Many of us believe that control is our job and consequently we are out of control. The need for power and control leads to distorted and irrational thinking.

Father Martin said, “The only one sicker than the alcoholic is the alcoholic spouse”. That statement touches a nerve with many of us, our spouse is sick, but we have no idea how sick we have become. We believe we are powerful and in control. This type of distorted thinking leads to frustration and a deep sense of failure when we can’t control our loved ones’ behavior. Detachment requires that we do not interfere with the consequences of anothers actions. The goal is to recognize that it is our fear, guilt and outside pressure that manipulate us to intervene and prevent some terrible fate that might befall a loved one.

Learning to detach can be difficult and when we are in an alcoholic/addictive relationship it requires support. Twelve step recovery programs and professional counseling are usually necessary. Detachment is non judgmental and requires compassion for the alcoholic/addict; it means learning never do for someone what they can and must do for themselves; to allow others to be who they are not who we want them to be; to let go and establish emotional boundaries; to allow learning through natural consequences and resist the urge to rescue.

It is important to learn we are not responsible for anyone but our self. As long as we focus on someone else’s problems we are distracted and don’t have to take personal responsibility for our own behavior. The key to detachment is learning "love of self" and maintaining our own mental sobriety. We can find the wisdom to know the difference between what we can and cannot change if we focus on our own needs and problems, only then will we achieve mental sobriety.

Mother's Day

2008-05-08T10:03:00.001-07:00

Mother’s Day may be the most emotionally charged holiday on the calendar. In the days and weeks leading up to Mother’s Day we are surrounded by advertisements designed to elicit emotional spending on gifts and cards for Mom. The ads describe this perfect person that is sweet and kind; a woman who has sacrificed for her children and loved them unconditionally. A mother that is a person that deserves to be honored.

Mother’s who are, alcoholic/addicts or codependent with the alcoholic/addict may not fit that picture of motherhood. They often have a very limited ability to provide the love and nurturing children need. Mother’s Day can be a painful reminder of broken promises and disappointments for their children. It is probably true that Mom did the best she could. She allowed us to use her body as the vehicle to enter the living world. That is an act that deserves to be honored.

The twelve step programs teach us that no one can be all things to all people, even mothers. People don’t let us down; it is our expectations that let us down. It is important to learn self acceptance, self trust and self love. We need to make sure not to break promises or to disappoint our selves. The fact that we managed to survive our childhood is evidence that we have the capacity to take care of and love our selves; that we have the courage and tenacity to overcome our distorted perception of love and the inability to trust.

It is my belief that human beings do not so much need to be loved as to loving. We need to learn to love our selves as we can not give what we don’t have. The wisdom of the twelve steps of the addiction recovery programs provides a roadmap to achieve trust and self love; by participating in the recovery process and reaching out to those individuals that have the ability to meet our needs it is possible to develop realistic expectations of others and of our selves.

On this Mother’s Day honor you mother for the role she played in giving you life; honor all the people in your life that may have served as a surrogate mother and helped you mother you; honor you as the true source of your ability to love and make it a Happy Mother’s Day.

Gossip

2008-03-31T08:24:00.000-07:00

Gossip – we’ve all done it, and while it may seem like a harmless pastime, we need to resist the urge to engage in it, if we want to maintain a sober mind.

Gossip is damaging and degrading to the person that gossips, the person that listens to the gossip and the person gossiped about. The wisdom of anonymity in the twelve step recovery programs goes far beyond just guarding the identity of the addict. It emphasizes the importance of an atmosphere of trust and confidentiality.

There are many kinds of gossip and many reasons to gossip. We all want to feel that we are important, that we matter and that we are a part of something. To establish a sense of intimacy with friends and acquaintances we'll talk about the details of other people's lives. Many of us use gossip to have something to say in social situations; to appear informed; to be understood or to impress others.

What is gossip? I think of gossip as talking about someone when they are not present. It can be “positive”, like “my husband stopped drinking”, or it can be negative, like “guess whose husband got a DWI”?

In the addictive/alcoholic family system gossip can sometimes be the only form of communication. Often the family is so enmeshed that what goes on in one family member’s life is the business of everyone else, particularly if they’re in crisis. They’ll talk about each other instead of to each other because they fear being direct and confrontational, or because they’re addicted to chaos and excitement. Confiding is not gossip - there are times when we need to talk about someone for our well being, or for theirs. In that situation it is necessary to seek the help of a counselor and/or a trusted twelve step program friend.

To break away from the gossip habit requires awareness, courage and self disciple. Avoiding gossip is very difficult and anxiety producing. We don’t want to be left out and we may feel that if we don’t engage in gossip someone might get angry and reject us.

When we gossip about someone we reinforce and perpetuate a reality about them that may or may not be true, and once that reality is created it’s difficult to change it. The image of that reality can be an obstacle to recovery for the alcoholic/addict. Even in sobriety addicts are stuck with an image of themselves that interferes with healing many of the hurts incurred during their active time.

We justify gossip by saying “everyone does it” or, “we are only talking out of concern for the person." In dealing with someone suffering from addiction, gossip can prevent us from focusing on ourselves and it can reinforce our victim role. It can lead to dishonesty and can damage our relationships with friends and family.

My #1 Rule for a Sober Mind is "Do what is right for you". Talking about other people doesn't serve us or others in a positive way. Instead, we can put that same energy into better use by figuring out our own lives, and pursuing our passions.

Welcome Spring!

2008-03-20T05:42:00.000-07:00

This morning at precisely 1:48 A.M. EDT the sun crossed over the Earth’s equator (Vernal Equinox) and for the northern hemisphere marks the first day of spring. Winter is a very difficult time of year for many of us. Spring brings the promise of enduring life and for many of us renewed hope. It also reinforces our powerlessness over all but our own mental sobriety.

"Sit quietly, doing nothing, spring comes, and the grass grows by itself."
Zen saying

Courage

2008-03-09T06:25:00.000-07:00

Without fear there would be no need for courage. Being afraid does not mean we don’t have courage. Fear is a genetic instinct necessary for human survival. Courage is a learned behavior - there is no such thing as a born coward. It is possible to teach ourselves to have courage. The kind of courage it takes to achieve and maintain a sober mind is very conscious. It isn’t a knee jerk reaction. It is the ability to confront a situation and ask yourself, “If I take this action or decide to do nothing at all, what is the worst possible outcome, and can I live with it? To accept that I am not responsible for nor can I control the outcome once I have made the decision, I just need to have courage.

Many individuals in recovery were raised is very unstable homes. We spent a great deal of time feeling afraid. Often we were afraid for our physical safety or we experienced severe financial insecurity. Many of us feared disapproval and rejection from our parents or caregivers. These early childhood fears become a crippling force in our lives. As adults we are afraid of being alone, of rejection, of humiliation, of failure, of not having enough money, to mention a few. We have become skillful at avoiding what we fear, but by doing that we become its prisoner.

A courageous act may involve being honest and not agreeing with a friend or loved one and risking rejection; it may involve practicing being alone for short periods of time each day; it may involve trying something new and taking a risk. Courage doesn’t always require a heroic act. Sometimes it takes more courage to sit there and do nothing, like when we resist the impulse to enable a loved one. To watch someone we care for suffer the consequences of their own actions can require all the strength we can muster.

It is possible to acquire courage and overcome our fears; especially the one I believe is the greatest of all, the fear of asking for help. Participation in a twelve step program and/or psychotherapy can help us to identify our fears and develop skills for facing them courageously. Sharing our fears with someone we trust is an act of courage. Each little act of courage can build on itself and gradually liberate us from the immobility of fear.
Fear is not our enemy; we are born with the ability to fear in order to survive. We can use fear as an opportunity to grow and to develop courage, and to empower us to live a sober life.

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear."- Mark Twain

The only true love is self love

2008-02-27T09:48:00.000-08:00

One of my readers recently commented on my Valentine’s Day post, asking me to expand on the meaning of self love, a topic that’s important for anyone recovering from addiction.

Individuals can spend a lifetime looking for someone to love. Others remain in toxic, unhealthy relationships as adults because they do not love themselves. In order to keep the relationship afloat, they distort who they are and they deny their own needs. But the reality is that, until we accept, honor and truly love ourselves, it is very difficult to establish a loving relationship with another person.

Often times the concept of self-love is confused with selfishness and narcissism. Many of us were raised with the idea that love requires denying our own needs for the good of others. We have this false belief that in order to prove that we love someone, we must do what they want or need. This creates an obstacle to self discovery and self honesty. It is fertile ground for guilt and shame to be the prime motivators in our lives.

In a sense we are taught from early childhood to be dishonest and to deny who we are. If we feel resentment toward our loved ones we have to deny that feeling because we believe it is not loving. The resentment creates feelings of guilt and shame, so we try to cover it up by lying to ourselves and acting as if everything is “ok”. This behavior becomes second nature – just another automatic response that we engage in without thinking.

Love is something we share; it is a gift we give to others. When we give love away we often do it at our own expense. In order to achieve a measure of self love, an individual must believe that their needs are just as important as anyone else’s. Not more important, but certainly not less. If we don’t believe we are worthy of our own love, what value does that love have to others? How do we allow others to love us?

There is a difference between sharing love and giving it away. It’s impossible to share love or anything else unless we have enough for ourselves, and for that we must nurture ourselves and keep our love “reserves” full.

It is no easy task to practice self love. It requires that we be kind and gentle with ourselves and that we put forth the effort to learn who we are and what we need. We can start by identifying things that make us feel good about ourselves, like finally getting to read that book that’s been sitting on our night table, or embarking on that exotic vacation we’ve been dreaming about for years. Paying careful attention to the way we talk to ourselves and eliminating the negative voices in our head is another way we can be caring. Most of us are quick to criticize, but we forget to compliment, so we need to practice positive affirmations and compliment ourselves often.

Learning to love ourselves requires courage, self knowledge and self honesty. Working a twelve step program and/or talking to a qualified, dedicated professional are good ways to find out who we are and what our needs are. For this we need a willingness to get better, and an open mind to ask for help, two traits that will lead us on the path to a Sober Mind.

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” --Buddha

Can celebrities recover on camera? I don't think so.

2008-02-16T05:54:00.000-08:00

I’m not a big fan of movies or television but recently many of my patients have encouraged me to watch Dr. Drew’s show, Celebrity Rehab. Recovery is a serious and personal process and I have strong objections to programs that sensationalize an individual’s life-and-death struggle. Perhaps I am just out of the loop and behind the times but I don’t understand what if any potential benefit there is in commercializing a life-threatening illness.

The episodes of Celebrity Rehab that I watched were very confusing and distressing. It is not clear what treatment if any these patients are receiving. The environment appeared almost festive and chaotic. The casual nature of the intake did not communicate the seriousness of the illness. And taping the arrival of an addict to a rehab facility for a TV show can foster their sense of grandiosity, which is counterproductive to recovery.

Hollywood’s main purpose is to create fantasy, and success as an actor or performer requires being able to convince the audience of an altered reality. But in order to recover from addiction, a patient needs to begin to face his or her reality honestly, to acquire some sense of humility and to start to let go of their denial. It must be doubly hard for an artist be real and honest when they’re constantly praised for “putting on an act”. And then on top of that they’re being asked to show their vulnerabilities for the whole world to see.

There are a number of personality traits that are usually shared by persons suffering from addiction. Self importance, dishonesty, the love of drama and chaos are just a few. It is my professional judgment that these character flaws cannot be overcome in front of a camera on national television.

Addicts, whether they’re famous or not, need to be treated with the same dignity and respect as any other sick person. The recuperation process should be kept private and confidential, and should not be exploited for profit. At some point celebrities suffering from addiction need to be encouraged to be ordinary human beings, to be themselves, instead of the carefully crafted, false image that the industry wants them to fulfill. That’s how they get better, and that's how they can slowly attain a Sober Mind.

Happy Valentine's Day

2008-02-13T09:33:00.000-08:00

On this day when many of us are feeling sad because we don't have that special Valentine, I would like to share one of my favortie quotes:

Pearl S. Buck:
"I love people. I love my family, my children . . . but inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that's where you renew your springs that never dry up."

The greatest love of all is the love you give to yourself.

Heath Ledger: A Preventable Tragedy

2008-02-11T04:21:00.000-08:00

It is always unsettling to hear of a young person’s untimely death, especially when these deaths could have been prevented. This week the medical examiner confirmed that Heath Ledger died of an accidental drug overdose, but in my opinion, there is no such thing. His death was an accident in the sense that there is no way to know what was in Heath Ledger’s mind, and he may not have intended to kill himself. However, he clearly was not taking his medications as prescribed or this would not have occurred. Instead of trying to blur the problem, the media should focus on the reality. The man was not evil nor was he a hero - he was a sick person who suffered from at the very least substance abuse or at the most substance dependence. He was clearly unable to control his intake and as a result took more than required and died. Public awareness could be his legacy. Instead of trying to spin the reasons for Heath Ledger’s tragic death, we could use this opportunity to enlighten and inform the public about how to deal with the difficult issues that we face in life. The media should focus on how to save lives instead of trying to conceal the reality of his obvious suffering and subsequent death. Why did he have so many different prescriptions? What were they prescribed for? How could his problems been handled differently? These are the questions to be asked.

For more of my thoughts on this, listen to my podcast! I was interviewed this week regarding Heath Ledger by Take 12 Radio. To download the MP3 click here.

Humility: Learning to Ask for Help

2008-01-31T05:36:00.000-08:00

One characteristic of alcoholics/addicts is the need for perfection. One of the things we fear most is being wrong, or making a mistake, which makes it very difficult to ask for help. The notion that we should know things before anyone ever told us or taught us seems to be inherent in us. Often as children if we made a mistake we were cruelly criticized or ridiculed. This created a belief that we didn’t deserve help, and if we asked for it we were weak or stupid.

Many of us tend to put the needs of everyone else first. It is okay for others to need help but when it comes to us, often we believe that asking for help is an admission of failure. It is terrifying to be vulnerable and to expose our potential limitations. Putting the needs of others first and being the “go to” person helps us to feel powerful and in control.

In recovery we learn that we don't have to face life’s challenges on our own. Humility is about asking others for help with issues that trouble us. It should not be confused with humiliation; it is not a lack of self confidence or a weakness. To ask for help when we fear ridicule, to recognize that we have limitations and honestly reveal them, that is a testament to our strength and courage.

For us to recover we need to dare to be ordinary and to make mistakes, instead of being perfect and correct at all times. Twelve-step programs provide the tools and the support for this important process. However, many of us may gain insight and awareness but still remain resistant, unable to accept our humanness. Our life history and experience may be too painful to tackle alone, and our perfectionism may be keeping us stuck, unable to move forward in our recovery. Private or group counseling may be necessary to get us to face and let go of our past and the first step toward the practice of humility.

True humility is an essential ingredient to A Sober Mind. It enables us to honestly see the reality of who we are. It reminds us of where we came from, where we are now and all that is possible in the future.

Secrets: The Chains That Bind Us

2008-01-18T03:47:00.000-08:00

I have often heard at 12 step meetings we are only as sick as our secrets. Some of the secrets we keep are purposeful and we keep them to protect ourselves or our loved ones. Things like over drinking or drug abuse in us or others and the consequences, like loss of job, verbal, emotional, sexual or physical abuse to name a few.

Some secrets we don’t even know we are keeping, like our childhood experiences or the quality of our lives or our relationships. Many of us have no frame of reference and believe that we had a great childhood or the relationship we have with our parents, partners or children is a close and happy one, or at the very least adequate. If any thoughts of dissatisfaction come to mind we push them away and feel ashamed and guilty for having them. What kind of a child hates their parents? Or what kind of parent is not pleased with their child? What kind of a partner is angry and disappointed with their relationship? Our conflicted feelings cause a progressive distortion in our thinking and reality. Many of us deny our feelings because often it’s the very people we should be able to trust who are hurting and betraying us. Allowing those secrets into our consciousness is shameful and painful.

The important thing is to be able to share our secret concerns, fears and shameful feelings in a safe environment. Confiding in a trusted friend or counselor is the first step to freeing ourselves from the denial that enslaves us. In the 12 step programs we learn that protecting loved ones from exposure and keeping their secret is enabling them to remain in their disease and prevents them from realizing they need help. We perpetuate the illusion that their harmful behavior as a result of drinking or using drugs is okay. Keeping secrets cause us to be lonely, isolated and in our own self imposed prison. By finding a safe place or person to reveal our secrets we can start to become aware of those secrets we don’t know we are keeping.
Shedding light on our secrets requires a great deal of courage but it is an essential step toward a sober mind, and personal liberation.

Grief and Loss: Learning To Sing In the Shower

2008-01-07T08:19:00.000-08:00

When most people think about grief and loss it is usually associated with the death of a loved one, the breakup of a relationship, or the termination of a job. But living with alcoholism or addiction can also cause significant loss. Unfulfilled hopes and dreams, and the reality of who we are or who our loved one is can cause great sadness. A significant number of alcoholics or addicts also come from alcoholic homes, and we start grieving losses as small children, even though we may not be aware of it. Then, as adults, life becomes a continuous series of losses and disappointments, which we tend to minimize and accept as the norm.

This constant state of grief and loss is very real and never goes away. The disease of addiction deprives us of our confidence and self worth. It makes it difficult to anticipate anything good in life or to believe we have the right to be happy or feel proud of our accomplishments. In dealing with loss, alcoholics/addicts often use a great deal of energy to try to fix the pain and distance themselves from it. Some of us strive for perfection in all aspects of our lives or bury ourselves in work or keep buying the next thing that will make us happy. We aim to be joyous and free but are continuously frustrated in our attempts. For some the disappointment and sense of failure of those frustrated attempts can lead to relapse.

Because this type of grief is stressful and persistent, we need to be continuously taking care of ourselves. The HALT acronym can help us with this. Asking ourselves, am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, will give us a quick handle on what needs attention. Eating healthy meals and getting enough rest, as well as participating in a twelve step and/or other support group or professional counseling to share your feelings is crucial to accepting, surviving and ultimately overcoming the effects of grief and loss.

The twelve step programs have taught me that serenity is not the absence of pain; it is the acceptance of pain. It is necessary to accept our losses as real and not to minimize them or dramatize them. We need to learn to use our energy to embrace reality and not try to change it. The pain of our loss is real and sufficient and we are entitled to experience it. In so doing we will be free to enjoy the simple things in life, like singing in the shower.

Keeping Hope Alive in the New Year

2007-12-30T10:40:00.000-08:00

As one year ends and another begins, this is usually a good time to look back at all that we’ve accomplished, or intended to accomplish over the past 12 months. Taking some time to make an honest inventory of our lives can give us a clear picture of what we did well, where we fell short and what needs improvement. Once we've done that, we need to first and foremost give ourselves a big pat on the back and celebrate the progress we've made. Then we can move on to review the things we missed and revise our goals for the upcoming year. Ahead of us we have an opportunity to start over with a clean slate, and to renew our hope for our future, for those around us and for the world in general.

To the alcoholic /addict, to have hope is to believe in the possibility of recovery. Many of us have overcome insurmountable odds to achieve sobriety. Sometimes it has taken numerous attempts before we were able to maintain a sober physical state. But time and again we were willing to risk our fear of failure until we attained our goal.

In order to maintain a “Sober Mind”, it's essential to have hope. We must have the willingness and desire to believe in ourselves, even during those times when there seems to be no hope at all. Many of us have difficulty appreciating all we have done and how far we have come. Recovery means using tools like making phone calls to trusted friends, reading self help literature and most importantly attending 12-step meetings. These things serve to remind us of goals we've fulfilled and encourage us to continue to hope.

I would like to wish everyone a New Year filled with hope, and leave you with this quote from Thomas Jefferson: “When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on”.

Surviving the Holidays

2007-12-23T04:24:00.000-08:00

For many of us next Tuesday is a big family holiday, so I thought it would be a good time to remind everyone of Rita’s Rule # 3: Avoid anyone who does not make you feel good about yourself.

Christmas can be one of those times where it becomes difficult or maybe impossible to follow that rule. There are a great many “command performances” around holiday time. Our parents, our partners, our children as well as extended family and friends all have expectations that we feel required to fulfill. In addition, we have our own expectations of ourselves. It is a time when we easily fall into the trap of believing we can make someone else happy or that we can somehow control situations. Many of us go to great lengths to buy the right present or to dress and behave as expected, which is usually a set-up for disappointment and failure.

At this time of year it is very important to have a plan of self care and a strategy to avoid the people that don’t make us feel good about ourselves. Whether we are actually going home for the holidays, or just experience it virtually in our hearts and minds, having a plan is critical to our mental sobriety at this “wonderful time of year”. I propose a few suggestions:

-Practice the “ums” and “ahs” - listen without engaging or directly responding when someone is saying something that is triggering you in some way. Just nod and insert an “um” or an “ah” to help you resist the need to comment or defend.

-Set up a telephone contact for emergency calls - make sure you have the phone number of someone who will be available to talk to you if you need some reassurance or support.
- For those of you who participate in a twelve step program of recovery from substance abuse or codependence, look for a local meeting if you are going to be out of town - check with intergroup for a meeting and if necessary arrange for a contact person to meet you there.

-Have an exit strategy in place - If all else fails be prepared to remove yourself from the situation. Talk it over with someone you trust in advance of your trip and make a plan so you can leave if you feel uncomfortable.

Remember that your needs are as important as everyone else’s. By taking responsibility for your well being you'll improve your chances of having a happy and mentally sober holiday.

Birthday survival tips

2007-12-19T18:37:00.000-08:00

Today Dec. 19th, is my birthday, and that has me thinking about how tied our attitudes about ourselves are to this special day. So I decided I would write a post about birthdays, why they are important and why it is a good idea to develop a plan for celebrating or at least acknowledging them.

Birthdays mark the day we began our life’s journey. Each individual’s life journey is important both to them and to all the people they are connected to. We don’t live in a vacuum - everything we do has an effect – whether positive or negative - on those around us. We are a piece of a very large human puzzle that would not be complete without us.

Many people who come to me for counseling feel that their life is not important because they aren’t financially successful, or they haven’t met the right partner, or they don’t have children. Believe it or not there are others that think that the opposite is true - the fact that they just got married and had children means they are unimportant. The truth is the only life that has no value is a life that is not lived.

Birthdays are an opportunity to acknowledge and celebrate our lives, and to ask others to join us in that celebration. Often times, however, instead of celebrating many of us fall into the victim role. We say things to ourselves like, “nobody cares”, “I don’t matter anyway” or we abuse ourselves with other forms of “poor me” self talk. In recovery we have chosen to live our lives fully, and if we want to develop sober thinking it is important to reject the negative self talk and take action. What actions can you take? Here are some suggestions: buy yourself a birthday present, remind the people you care about that it’s your birthday so they have an opportunity to acknowledge it, or host your own birthday party.

I want to leave you all with this quote from a movie I recently saw, Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium: “your life is an occasion, rise to it.” So what will I do today? I plan to share the day with people who make me feel good about myself.

Dealing with Anger

2007-12-17T04:46:00.000-08:00

Anger is an emotion that almost any addict or alcoholic knows very well. Many of us seem to have a great deal of anger at real and perceived injustices. Anger can be self-defeating, or it can energize us and push us to take action. It can protect us and keep us from being vulnerable to psychological assault. Anger can often be used to mask our many fears.

For the addict, anger also can cause feelings of guilt, which serves to fuel the anger further. So we are angry because we are afraid and guilty because we are angry thus creating a damaging cycle of emotion.

Guilt also adds another layer of complexity to our anger. Many of us were raised with the idea that it is wrong to feel anger and that anger and love cannot coexist. If I am angry at someone, I have to reject them and despise them. In sobriety we may feel guilty if we are angry at loved ones that we may have hurt or disappointed. We don’t have the ability to express angry feelings appropriately, and our relationships suffer because of this.

So what are we angry about? Many of us get triggered when we have no control over people and events in our lives. We can’t make others love us, like us or accept us. Mostly we can’t make others meet our needs. Another source of anger is our disease. We feel that nature has betrayed us by inflicting on us a chronic illness that we have no control over, one that causes us to hurt ourselves and those we love.

What are we afraid of? One thing we fear is that we don’t deserve to be loved or liked and we don’t deserve to get our needs met. We are afraid of being unlovable, we fear rejection and we fear facing the things we don’t like about ourselves. Sometimes the most benign comment or gesture can incite anger and rage because it touches those fears.

Another aspect of anger the alcoholic/addict may experience occurs when they first achieve abstinence from their substance of choice. When the fog begins to lift, we are faced with the consequences of our behavior. It is painful to have to confront our actions, especially since we didn’t have control over many of the things we’ve done.

Anger can be a positive force if we learn to accept it as a feeling that is neither good nor bad. We need to use our anger as a motivating force for change and not turn it on ourselves. Through the recovery process, working the 12 steps of whatever fellowship program we participate in or learning anger exercises we can harness this powerful emotion and make it work for us. Anger groups or individual therapy can help us learn about anger and realize it is a universal emotion. These activities can lead us to accept our angry self, explore how anger manipulates us and develop strategies to turn the anger into positive pursuits.

Addicted to chaos

2007-12-02T05:45:00.000-08:00

As the holidays approach many of us have conflicted feelings about family, or what Erma Bombeck used to refer to as “the ties that bind and gag”. Visiting with relatives in this hypothetically joyous season tends to illicit fantasy expectations about what it means to be home for the holidays. The reality in many cases is we are returning to our chaotic roots.

A significant number of us grew up in an alcoholic/addicted family system, what is known today as a dysfunctional family. We never felt safe in our family of origin and the only thing we knew for sure was that nothing was for sure. Life was totally unpredictable and we became conditioned to living in chaos. When I talk about chaos in our lives, it was often not the kind that can be seen. In fact, many alcoholic/addict mothers were also super controllers and on the surface, our lives appeared to be perfect. The unsafe and chaotic living conditions of our lives were not visible or obvious to the outside world.

Despite the appearance of everything being under control, we experienced continued chaos, developed a tolerance for chaos and I believe became addicted to chaos. I think it is important to say I have never done a scientific experiment to investigate this theory. It is based on observation of numerous alcoholic/addicts and their behavior.

During the recovery process life becomes more manageable and less chaotic. The alcoholic/addict begins to feel a sense of autonomy and safety. A feeling of calm settles over their life. The paradox for the alcoholic/addict is that feeling calm is so unfamiliar it induces anxiety. There is a sense of waiting for the other shoe to drop. When there is a crisis, whether real or perceived, we actually experience a physical exhilaration and it feels remarkably like being active. From there it can be a very short distance to a relapse. Even if we don’t pick up we are not in a sober frame of mind.

Addiction to chaos can be very damaging. Once engaged in someone else’s crisis we abandon ourselves and often develop resentments, especially if it is someone we love or are close to. Family chaos is the “best” because it's so familiar and we can really get off on it. When there is a crisis with family or friends we feel compelled to listen to every sordid detail and/or take action. We are unable to let go, we need to be in the mix even though it is painful and upsetting. It requires tremendous effort to detach and not jump in with both feet to the detriment to our well being.

It's important to learn how to determine which events require our attention and which ones do not. We need to ask ourselves: Is this problem mine? What effect will the outcome of the problem have on my life? What can I do to affect the outcome of the problem? What impact will allowing myself to be drawn into someone else’s problem have on my sober thinking? We need to change our behavior and resist getting involved - to detach from the drama.

When we become aware of a problem, we need to resist the compulsion to react.We need to take a positive action, like calling someone we trust and reviewing the questions with them, someone who can remind us that our needs are just as important as the other person's. Initially this will be very difficult because when we are addicted to chaos we experience an intense struggle with our own will to "rescue" the ones we love, and many times others are pressuring us to join them in this self-defeating behavior.

If and when we manage to detach ourselves from the chaos, we may experience guilt and anxiety for not responding to a friend or loved one's problem. Each time we are able to resist we are teaching ourselves to appreciate the lack of chaos in our lives. That appreciation will eventually evolve into a feeling of confidence and soon the impulse to jump into someone else’s chaos lessens.

A sober mind requires that we keep the focus on us, not on the chaos around us. That means doing what is right for us, keeping our head where our feet are, and avoiding people who don’t make us feel good about ourselves.

Loneliness vs Solitude

2007-11-27T04:49:00.001-08:00

Most people experience feelings of loneliness from time to time, but for the addict/alcoholic, isolation is a defense mechanism and a chronic symptom. Addiction is characterized by a sense of loneliness and a state of isolation. Often alcoholic/addicts describe feeling alone even when in a crowd. Solitude/aloneness and isolation/loneliness are often used interchangeably, but these terms imply different emotional states and subjective experiences. Isolation for the alcoholic/addict is a negative symptom of their disease. Guilt and shame keep the alcoholic/addict alone in society and shut off from themselves. Solitude is feeling safe and content while enjoying your own company. It is the experience of being alone without being lonely.

The pain of loneliness and isolation creates a significant obstacle to achieving a relationship with oneself. Avoiding healthy social interaction prevents us from seeing ourselves through the eyes of others and experiencing our humanness. The emotional pain from loneliness and/or isolation may also cause people to seek out the company of anyone who is willing to spend time with them. Often the alcoholic/addict will enter into a toxic relationship to avoid spending time by themselves. Both isolation and seeking toxic relationships enable the addict/alcoholic to avoid the person they fear and dislike the most - themselves.

One of the conditions for a satisfactory life is to be of use and to belong. Addicts/alcoholics need to find ways to cope with their tendency to isolate. Developing a safe, sober social network and participating in social activities are two ways to start. For many people, participation in a twelve-step program, a therapy group or individual counseling can be helpful. Joining a volunteer group, book club or a sports team are other ways to practice being social.

Solitude or aloneness, on the other hand, can be a rewarding experience that can help one to gain self knowledge and self acceptance. It can give an individual an opportunity to explore who they are and discover their positive qualities, gifts and talents.

Alcoholics/addicts need to learn how to experience solitude/aloneness without isolating. They need to spend time alone discovering their likes and dislikes. Solitude enables the alcoholic/addict to develop an appreciation of their strengths and their limitations. It is an opportunity to discover and accept their humanness and to not be afraid of who they are. Learning to spend time alone takes time and probably should be done in increments. A few minutes a day spent in meditation, listening to music, reading or just staring at the ocean or the stars are all ways to begin a journey of self discovery.

For the alcoholic/addict, isolation and the resulting loneliness is an undeserved, self imposed prison. Solitude/aloneness is an opportunity to be liberated from ourselves and to continue the journey to a sober mind.

Gratitude in Recovery Often Equals Guilt

2007-11-22T05:00:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving day got me thinking about gratitude lists. Often when we are feeling sorry for ourselves it can be helpful to inventory all the things we have to be grateful for. For the alcoholic/addict however, the more they have to be grateful for, the more guilty they feel. Often the belief that they are unworthy of all that is good keeps them from the Sober Mind they seek.

I once saw a sign in a drug rehab that said, "Guilt Kills". At the time I didn't understand what that meant. Today I know that guilt is dangerous for the alcoholic/addict to indulge in because for them, guilt feelings are not limited to the negative things they have done. Along with the feeling of worthlessness, they often believe they have no right to even the air they breath. The disease of addition/alcoholism distorts their thinking and makes it difficult to appreciate the gifts life has given them. This might lead them to drink or act out in some way.

Awareness and honesty are critical to putting our guilt feelings in perspective. Sometimes we agree to do things we don't want to do out of some real or perceived guilt. The result is resentment. It is important first to be aware of the distorted thinking and then not to minimize or exaggerate our past and/or present behaviors. One way to do that is make a guilt list and a review it honestly. Own the things you have done and find a way to make amends. Then make a gratitude list and appreciate all that is good about yourself.

Carol Gotbaum's death could have been prevented

2007-11-21T10:00:00.000-08:00

I know this entry is a diversion from my original theme of achieving a sober mind, but the issue I'd like to address is very important to raising awareness for both those of us who suffer from addiction, and those who do not.

After reading an online editorial in “The Arizona Republic” regarding Carol Gotbaum, the woman who died while in custody at the Phoenix airport, I was outraged. Since the news broke there has been a glut of negative reactions and comments about her and her family’s behavior, and it seems there are some trying to justify the actions of the airport police. They have raised issues such as why she was traveling alone if she was ill, and whether alcohol and/or drugs played a role in her death. The most recent article I read states police followed procedures and she died in spite of their efforts. The Arizona Republic editorial stated that police had saved a life the day before and the day after the Carol Gotbaum incident. The editorial did not supply the details of the two heroic rescues. Unfortunately in the case of Carol Gotbaum it resulted in her death.

What the editorial did not say was whether the procedure they followed in order to save those other two lives included taking them into custody and then leaving them alone, shackled in a cell, instead of calling for emergency medical assistance. I am confident that if they had, the rescued would have been three for three and Carol Gotbaum would still be alive.

If you want to read more about my thoughts on how this incident was mishandled, I wrote the following op ed which was published in the Long Island Newsday on 11/19/07: 'Sick' mom's death shows alcoholics' need for aid

Building a relationship with ourselves

2007-11-10T08:04:00.000-08:00

You may be asking yourself, how do I follow Rule #1: “DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR ME”?

The first step is to develop a relationship with yourself. You may think you know you, but do you really? Do you know what you really like, and don't like? Or do you usually go with what your parents, spouse, friends or children choose for you? One definition of co-dependence is a failure to have a relationship with oneself, and that's what happens when we place other people's needs before our own. For many alcoholic/addicts, or those who are affected by them, answering the question "who am I?" is scary. Not only will it mean they can no longer please others, but there's also the fear that deep down they're no good.

So we start slowly, day by day, tuning in to that little voice inside us that holds the key to our true nature. We practice being gentle with ourselves, forgiving our setbacks, and remembering that it's all about "progress, not perfection." The goal is to, over time, build a new relationship with ourselves and those around us that is non-judgmental, loving and patient. Honesty is critical; there are many things about us that are positive and some that are negative, and we must take stock of that regularly. It is very important that we accept our humanness, our "perfect imperfection" and our inability to control anything but ourselves. Most importantly we need to trust our right to be, to exist.

"...You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should." --Desiderata

RITA’S RULES FOR MENTAL SOBRIETY

2007-11-10T07:27:00.000-08:00

In the coming weeks I will be posting my rules for mental sobriety, and some tips as to how to apply them in your life. I would be very interested in any questions or comments you care to make and I will try to respond if not individually, to the general theme.

Rule # 1: Do what is right for you.

The most important thing to remember is your needs are as important as everyone else’s. Putting yourself first is not selfish - it is absolutely necessary in order to be a loving, caring, productive human being. It is impossible for a person to care for or love anyone else if they don’t love and care for themselves. The quality of our relationships with others is directly related to the quality of our relationship with ourselves. No one can give what they haven’t got. In order to do what is right for you it is necessary to find out who you are and be able to identify your needs.

Rule # 2: Keep you head where your feet are.

When a crisis happens the first impulse is to try to control the situation, fix it or change it. In many cases the best thing to do is to realize that for that moment nothing has changed and there is no immediate need to change things. For example, if there's gossip at work about people being laid off at the end of the year, when we're surrounded by the possibility of this happening on a we'll experience anxiety and fear. The need to act is very intense, to do something to make those painful feelings go away. It's important to remember that for today nothing has changed, and there are tools that can help us manage our emotions. Making a phone call to a trusted person, writing about the feelings that we experience, or getting up and taking a short walk can all help us regain our composure. Allowing time to experience the feelings and not reacting to them makes it possible for us to step back from the impending crisis and formulate our own plan of action.

Rule # 3: Avoid anyone who does not make you feel good about yourself.

Personal boundaries are very important to mental sobriety. There are people in this world who may be very good and kind, but the chemistry between you and them may be tense and hostile. Many times they're the ones closest to us, the people that love us. It is possible in many instances to teach people how to treat us. In some cases it is necessary to be direct and tell them that their behavior is unacceptable. If we are unable to be direct sometimes we can deliver a message by just not engaging. When a person’s behavior makes us uncomfortable we can just remove ourselves. There are instances when it may be necessary to cut off contact completely, but that kind of drastic action should only be used as a last resort.

Welcome to A Sober Mind

2007-11-05T13:48:00.000-08:00

This is the first entry for my blog and I’m not sure what it “should” look like but here goes...

Since I’ve titled it “A Sober Mind”, I thought it fitting to begin with some definition of what I believe is a sober mind, and how one can achieve and maintain it. Sobriety is often thought of as abstinence, or not being intoxicated. But a sober mind goes far beyond not drinking. A sober mind is one that strives for clarity, awareness and acceptance. It’s having a willingness to modify temperament and behavior so that we are respectful to ourselves and to those around us. A sober mind forgives its mistakes and celebrates its accomplishments. It combats negative thinking by making gratitude lists and giving service to others. Asking for help and practicing humility are also traits of a sober mind. A sober mind takes practice, and its’ about “progress not perfection.”

In this space I will share the things that I find important to living a sober life, both emotionally and physically. My goal is to help you find out who you are and what your needs are. To help you become your own best friend, someone you trust, who will keep you safe. My hope is that you will be able to use my thoughts and philosophy on your journey to... a sober mind.